Okay, it's my turn to gripe.
I read the Da Vinci code, in fact I read all of Dan Brown's books. What part of fiction is the concept so difficult to grasp? Can't people just read a book for pleasure? I've heard people say it shakes their faith, (guess they didn't have much to start with), the church has kept a clandestine cover up (give me a break), now Rome has gotten their two cents in. PEOPLE, IT'S A WORK OF FICTION - GET OVER IT.
The city of Burbank issued their 2006 vehicle sticker depicting a soldier kneeling in front of a cross of a fallen soldier. You guesed it, an athiest is complaning it offends them. Get a life, move to Iraq. I'm sure they'll take good care of you.
Again, what part of illegal immigrant is so difficult to understand. I have no problem with anyone who wants to come to America to work or live. Just do it legally. Our language is English, if you want permanent residency learn it. If I went to live in a foreign country I would learn their language. If you want to live here you abide by the rules, or don't apply for a drivers license. I want to see the face to make sure it's you. Don't complain about the National Guard being used for border security, that's the job of the National Guard, homeland security. Their job isn't Iraq. That's the job of the Armed Forces. Not enough troops you say? Guess what, draft boards are still active. Got a problem with gathering phone numbers looking for a pattern, tough. Maybe the next time you'll be the target. As far as I'm concerned you can run all the numbers you want through your computers, if you find patterns going to suspected terrorist cells, stomp on them with everything you've got. Maybe all those bleeding heart left wing liberals and assorted conservatives ought to review the 9/11 tapes over, and over, and over. Maybe they should convene hearings and talk to the survivors of the towers or Flight 93. Maybe they should just do us all a favor and resign and get someone with guts to fill the spots.
I'm through now.
Monday, May 15, 2006
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Quotes From George Carlin
The following are quotes from George Carlin. I still get a kick out of them. How many do you remember?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
20. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
28. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
31. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
33. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
34. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
35. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
36. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
37. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
38. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
39. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
40. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
41. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
42. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
43. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
44. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
45. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
46. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
47. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
48. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
49. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
50. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? " She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
10. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all? "
11. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
12. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
13. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
14. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
15. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
16. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
19. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
20. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
27. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
28. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
29. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
30. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
31. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
32. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
33. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
34. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
35. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that shit?
36. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
37. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
38. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
39. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
40. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
41. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
42. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
43. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
44. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
45. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
46. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
47. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
48. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
49. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
50. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Tagged Again
Okay, once again I was tagged by Mary. The good thing is that the questions are few, but thought provoking?
1. If I was only allowed to keep one plant in my garden which would it be?
Let's see, the rose bushes are constantly trying to take over everything else; the grasses while they shelter little critters are a pain to clean up at year end; the oriental lilies bloom once then take the rest of the year off; the Lady's Mantle only looks good when water is on the plant; don't even talk about hosta; the vote is still out on Sweet William; the Iris were just planted last fall so no decision can be made; the ones I can't remember the name of are naturally excluded; therefore I choose both the Blackeyed Susans and the Day Lilies. They continue to bloom and multiply from Spring to Autum and I enjoy them equally.
2. If there was only one thing invented in the past 100 years that I was permitted to keep, what would it be?
The automobile because it provides the most freedom and opportunity.
3. Name 3 animals you saw yesterday (excluding cats and dogs).
Hector the squirrel who keeps trying to drink water from my frozen bird bath,
a rabbit running away from an irate Hector, and last but not least some kind of bird.
4. Which season do you like the most?
Summer of course, warm weather, blooming gardens, baseball, sitting in the garden drinking iced tea, barbequing anything, sounds of children playing - Good Times.
5. Name the person who imparted the most wisdom into your life?
My Dad who taught me ...........
1. If I was only allowed to keep one plant in my garden which would it be?
Let's see, the rose bushes are constantly trying to take over everything else; the grasses while they shelter little critters are a pain to clean up at year end; the oriental lilies bloom once then take the rest of the year off; the Lady's Mantle only looks good when water is on the plant; don't even talk about hosta; the vote is still out on Sweet William; the Iris were just planted last fall so no decision can be made; the ones I can't remember the name of are naturally excluded; therefore I choose both the Blackeyed Susans and the Day Lilies. They continue to bloom and multiply from Spring to Autum and I enjoy them equally.
2. If there was only one thing invented in the past 100 years that I was permitted to keep, what would it be?
The automobile because it provides the most freedom and opportunity.
3. Name 3 animals you saw yesterday (excluding cats and dogs).
Hector the squirrel who keeps trying to drink water from my frozen bird bath,
a rabbit running away from an irate Hector, and last but not least some kind of bird.
4. Which season do you like the most?
Summer of course, warm weather, blooming gardens, baseball, sitting in the garden drinking iced tea, barbequing anything, sounds of children playing - Good Times.
5. Name the person who imparted the most wisdom into your life?
My Dad who taught me ...........
- What being a man means
- That when all is said and done, your name is your legacy
- What it means to be a husband and father
- That hard work is its own reward
- How to throw a slider and a floater
- To take responsibilities for my own actions
- And so much more
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Thoughts For The Day
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last, didn't get the joke.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
37. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
New Year's resolutions for safe PC
During the past week I have worked with three people whose computer was corrupted by viruses, had their browsers hijacked, and various other maladies get their systems up and running again. While I am not a complete computer geek, I do know a little about software and hardware. (A little knowledge is a dangerous thing). Jim Harmening (Becky remember his brother) has a column in the Southtown that appears every Sunday. It's just a common sense column, nothing extraordinary, but things that everyone takes for granted. Todays column was appropriate because the problems I worked on this week could have been avoided. So keep reading and you'll get to his column
You won't let a stranger in your house, but you do with your computer.
You keep your house clean, but your computer is the home of your data and it needs to be cleaned also.
There's an old saying "I didn't miss you till you were gone." Don't back up.
Anti-virus programs are like homeowners insurance make sure yours is current.
Okay, enough sermonizing even for Sunday. Have a good week. I'll think of you about my second cup of coffee Monday morning.
You won't let a stranger in your house, but you do with your computer.
You keep your house clean, but your computer is the home of your data and it needs to be cleaned also.
There's an old saying "I didn't miss you till you were gone." Don't back up.
Anti-virus programs are like homeowners insurance make sure yours is current.
Okay, enough sermonizing even for Sunday. Have a good week. I'll think of you about my second cup of coffee Monday morning.
New Year's resolutions for safe PC
Sunday, January 8, 2006
By Jim Harmening
Computer Bits
One way to do this quite nicely is through a USB drive. These have gotten cheap and hold 1 or 2 gigabytes of data for under $125. The 512 megabyte ones are around $55. I like the titanium Cruzer from Sandisk. BTW (by the way), I also found a great use for my IPOD — it acts like a USB drive that I can use to backup my files.
After you backup your computer files, you need to store the backup in a place apart from your computer. A home safe works nicely.
Resolution 2: I will clean up! You need to vacuum all the dust and grime out of your computer. Turn the power off and unplug the computer before doing this. You can open the cover and gently vacuum the interior, or use a can of compressed air to blow the dust out of the computer.
Resolution 3: I will defrag! A program that comes with Windows will organize your disk drive. It's called Defrag or Drive Defragment. Click Start, click Programs, click Accessories, click System Tools, click Disk Defragmenter. Once in the program, you want to defragment the drive. It takes one to three hours, depending upon how bad things are, so don't plan to use your computer during this time.
Resolution 4: Clean your CD and floppy drives. One sure way to scratch those CDs or have problems reading or writing data to your CD for backup purposes is to ignore cleaning the lens on your CD drive. They have cheap kits at most electronics stores (under $12), and they only have to be used every three to six months, depending upon your computer usage. You should do it at least each year — after you clean out the inside of the computer.
Resolution 5: Don't open spam. New virus and spam e-mails are coming out all the time. The latest threat doesn't even need you to go to a Web site. If you open the e-mail, it will redirect you and cause great harm. So, you should make sure your e-mail program (Outlook for most of the world) does not automatically open and read e-mails in your inbox. Sometimes, it is called a preview pane. Other times, it is just a few sentences below your e-mail with the first few lines of the e-mail shown. Either way, you should disable that feature. To do so, click View and uncheck the Auto-Preview option.
If you see the e-mail before you double click on your message, then you are in preview mode and want to disable it.
Resolution 6: Keep your Windows and antivirus programs up to date. This is a must in the ever-changing days of spam, virus and Internet threats. To set Windows Update preferences, click Start, click Settings, click Control Panel, click Automatic Updates — and make sure they are on. Your antivirus program has information about updates in the Help files. Or call the company's support line.
Friday, December 30, 2005
A Little Humor
The Irish have a great sense of humor. This is just a little something to end the year with. Have a safe and happy New Year's Eve celebration
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met. "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, 15 years have passed since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all this time," he told the priest.
"I understand, my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He stood at a busy street crossing, patiently waiting to cross. Several times, the cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" but Paddy still stood there, waiting.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy approached the cop and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water" said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Father Murphy walked into a pub in Donegal and said to the first man he met. "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent.
"Father, 15 years have passed since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all this time," he told the priest.
"I understand, my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?"
O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Paddy was in New York. He stood at a busy street crossing, patiently waiting to cross. Several times, the cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" but Paddy still stood there, waiting.
After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy approached the cop and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
An Irish priest was driving down to New York and got stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water" said the priest.
The trooper said, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looked at the bottle and said, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Thursday, December 29, 2005
I Love The IRS
Well, it's tax season again and while studying for my certification test I spent 2 days working on one sample return which carried 35 points toward the final grade. Try as I might I just could not make the return match any of the multiple choice answers for one of the questions. Of course the answer to that question led to the correct answer of the remaining 7, so quite a few points were at stake. I went over the documents provided in the text book over and over again. Now one of the documents was wrong, and I knew it was wrong, (the correct figure wasn't in the right box), but I continued to massage the return because it involved social security, dependent care, pension adjustments, business returns, additional taxes, earned income credits, so there were a lot of places I could have made a mistake. Of course the most obvious one I completely overlooked and finally after two days of total frustration just used the incorrect figure provided by the IRS, and of course everything worked out from there. Problem solved.
The moral of this ranting is now you know why they don't stand by anything they tell you if you call. THEY CAN'T EVEN PRINT THEIR TEXT BOOKS RIGHT.
The moral of this ranting is now you know why they don't stand by anything they tell you if you call. THEY CAN'T EVEN PRINT THEIR TEXT BOOKS RIGHT.
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